I Believe
Vanessa Mitchell
When writing this song, I was deep in anticipatory grief about what was to come for my amazing Dad… my safe guide in life, a best friend, mentor, and north star.
In his fight to live (with no talk of the alternative), music allowed me to express the unsaid.
Every fear.
Every hope.
Grief is incredibly inconvenient. There is simply no good time for it. And yet, it has to be expressed or it will be all-consuming.
Allowing myself to be completely overcome by grief was not an option that made sense for my family or work, nor would it have been what my Dad wanted.
I understood when songs began pouring out of me that the emotions had to be channeled somewhere… And this was it.
A decision was made that my emotions would not drown me, they would heal me.
Despite him being in a chokehold by pancreatic cancer for 10 months, I still held onto hope that things would be okay.
In reality, nothing was okay because my amazing Dad was slowly being taken from me.
(When you know, you know)
But at the same time, everything was layered with a sense of "We'll get through this – It's okay because we have each other.”
This song walks a line – It’s dark, but it’s light.
It’s moody with a silver lining.
“Blessed am I, but this feels like a crime. Stealing this time from me.”
“Holding hands knowing time’s like the sand as it funnels through the glass.”
An arc of despair, but never without the acknowledgment of our blessings.
Of family.
Of friendship.
When the high strings come in at the second chorus, it represents the anxiety I felt when trying all the things and nothing seemed to be working anymore. I just didn’t know what else to try to buy more time.
And when the choir kicks in at the end, it symbolizes all of the people surrounding me in support, holding us up at our darkest hour. Friends, family, even strangers.
The words “I Believe” don’t refer to one specific thing here:
• I believe in my ability to peacefully guide my Dad through this.
• I believe in my new ability to be vulnerable and brave.
• I believe I can have a brilliant, successful life while at the same time move through intense grief.
• I believe I can be a safe and calm landing spot for my Mom, kids, husband & brother in the hardest moments
• I believe God will hold us through this (or whatever Universal source speaks to you)
–––––
In my vision for this song, it's a duet and the cello plays a lead role.
Something about this instrument is heartbreaking, yet also feels comforting – like being wrapped in a warm towel right out of the dryer. Every muscle in my body relaxes.
That duality is very interesting to me, especially for this particular song, which walks the line of total despair while having a deep-rooted belief that it will all be okay.
Because it has to be.